Alfred In Wonderland
by Tono Radish
Summary: Alfred is kidnapped by Ivan the while rabbit and taken to a strange world where Alfred must play the game to survive! Nothing but Yaoi! Lol random? With the help of the friends formerly lost in memory, who will win the Heart of everyones favoriteAmerican?
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1: Down Down Down

"Alfred! Alfred! Wake up!" "Just 5 more minutes..." A frying pan beat his face and flung him into a nearby tree, "HUNGRY WHAT THE HECK!" "Look Alfred, it isn't proper to be sleeping around in the forest!" "What do you know about proper Miss I Used To Think I Was A Boy-" He was cut off by the clank of that pan hitting his face once again. "You are never to speak of that again! Come on! Show your big sister some respect!"

Alfred didn't answer, he was knocked out and sleeping, mumbling, when she hit him again. "ENOUGH WITH THE FRYING PAN!" Alfred rubbed his head of brown hair and picked up his glasses from the grass. "Eh, Alfred, now that I think about it you were mumbling some strange things in your sleep? Were you dreaming?" Alfred fell back and stared at the clouds, "Yeah... It was a weird dream though? Something about... A game?" "A game? About zombies?" "No! Not this time." "So like Hamburgers? You know, cookin mama?" "... Don't make me hungry, oh! I made a pun!" She slapped him this time, worried about damaging her beloved cooking tool. (By the way if you're wondering why America isn't using Hungary's human name like she is for him, it's because she doesnt like it.)

"Look, Alfred, one day you'll have to grow up, and I can't have you becoming the ass of the world, everyone will blame me. So just try to act more maturely." "But how?" "For one you can stop falling asleep wherever and when ever you want. As a country you'll have to work hard!" "Sigh, fine but only because you asked."

The thing about Alfred's big sister was that she was one of the few female nations, therefore she could get any guy she wanted. Alfred, Aka America, only wanted one and decided to listen to Hungary, in hopes to catch one person's eye. "Oh right! Alfred I brought you a book!" "Oh! Great! I've been looking for some new manga!" "no... It's a real book! With words! No pictures." "What!" "It's about a girl-" "was she hot?" "let me finish! Its about a girl who falls down a rabbit hole and finds a magical world and-" "Sounds lame." "what? But I didn't even-" "Books are books and books are no fun." "sigh, then why don't we play a game?" "WOAH LIKE SKYRIM!" "... ENOUGH! let's play a card game?" "Alright, I like Texas hold-" "No more puns! I'll be right back with the cards, don't do anything stupid."

She left and Alfred waited under an apple tree bored out of his mind, "Man, maybe I'll take a nap while I wait, a hero needs his rest after all." he started to close his eyes when he saw something of great interest. "A rabbit? No, that's a snow rabbit? But those don't live near me... AND IT HAS PANTS!" He ran after it, "Wait! Darn it I must be sleeping, no rabbit would be so nicely dressed, and it's too warm for a scarf?" He sat down and closed his eyes leaning back when something poked his cheek, "Ahem, you chase me da?"

He opened his eyes and the rabbit was there... Talking to him! In a Russian accent no less? "HUH!" "Oh you are hopeless," said the rabbit who transformed into a person! He was tall with white hair, a white scarf, and white rabbit ears? The giant picked Alfred up, "What the heck is going on!" "Don't scream in my ears comrade." "Put me down right now!" "No can do," then he sprinted off into the bushes. They came to a huge hole. "Since when has that been there! IS THERE A UFO AT THE BOTTOM!" "Don't be silly comrade. It's just a hole, and if there's a hole we know, we go down it!" "Wait what!"

The tall man dropped Alfred into the pit and quickly followed. "NO I CAN'T DIE NOW! I HAVEN'T PLAYED ASSASSIN'S CREED YET!" "You don't want to get dere yet? You must like falling comrade. I especially like it, because I'm with you, da? Sadly we cannot fall forever, shame. Our little trip has come to an end." Their speed lessened, and they slowly touched the ground. They were on a table in a long room full of windows, chairs surrounded the table and each chair had a place setting with different patterns on the card. One even had his mark of red and white stripes and white stars on blue. "What is this place? I feel like I've been here before?" "Maybe you have, maybe you haven't. That's up to you da?" "Where are we?" "Welcome to Wonderland, Alfred my dear." Alfred looked out the windows and each one showed something different. A clock tower, a mansion, a castle, and a theme park?

"Wonderland? I've never heard of it? ... AND HOW DO YOU KNOW MY NAME!" "Why wouldn't I? After all I am very much in love with you." All Alfred could think was that he was kidnapped by a stalker. "Right then, Alfred I want you to drink this medicine." He pulled out a little bottle with a strange liquid inside. "NO WAY? IM AMERICA AND I KNOW A DRUG WHEN I SEE ONE!" "No no that won't do. Unless?" "huh?" "You'd rather drink it... From my mouth?" (Ouran reference! Yay!) "WOAH WHAT!" The man quickly opened the bottle and poured it in his mouth and took Alfred by his waist and head and kissed him, forcing him to drink the strange liquid. The kiss ended after a moment and the rabbit man released Alfred. "That was medicine of the heart, now that you've drank it you must play the game." "Game? You said nothing about a-" The man walked toward the door. "Where are you going!" "By the way my name is Ivan, Let the games begin Alfred." He stepped out.

"THAT STUPID PERVERT! THAT WAS THE WORST KISS EVER, well actually it wasn't a bad kiss, BUT I WON'T ACKNOWLEDGE IT! AND WHAT THE CRAP DID HE MAKE ME DRINK! That's it I'm gonna kick his Russian ass!" Alfred ran out the door only to find the world spinning and he fell over, when he opened his eyes he was in a forest, sadly not the one from his home. He started walking in a random direction. There he saw the mansion from the window and thought, "Oh! I'll go ask whoever lives there where he is! After all everyone around here should know about the local communist rabbit eared pervert?" He walked up to the gates and tried to get in, but they woulnt budge. Then he heard a pissed off Italian accent, "Heya you! What's are you doinga here!" he turned around to see two little twins, one in red and one in blue. One was pissed off looking and the other looked clueless. "Ve~ maybe it's the pasta delivery girl?" "Oh! Maybe you're right Feli? Do you have the order for a Romano?" "Huh? Uh no I don't have any pasta but-" "No pasta?" said the one in blue, his clueless face turned into a furious one. The one next to him in red made a similar face, "very well then. You are-ah tressapassing. So we willa kill you nowa." (I know my italian accent sucks.) "Never a lie about the pasta!" they pulled out a giant fork and knife. Alfred couldn't hold in his laughter, if was too funny of a sight.

"was zum Teufel macht ihr!" The two Italian boys stopped and turned around to see a tall German man with brown rabbit ears and was also well dressed. "Ve~ Ludwig She lied about our pasta!" cried the one in blue, referred to by the one in red as Feli. "You two were supposed to guard the gates! Not play hooky with the pasta take out boy!" "Shut up potato bastard. You cana suck my spaghetti and meat balls." "Mein Gott! Treat our female guest with more-" Alfred stopped listening past that, female? What were they talking about? Did that matter there was another nut job with rabbit ears, a potential pervert. "Hey have you guys seen a rabbit eared pervert around here?" asked Alfred. Feli raised his hand, "Sure! Ludwig here is about as big of a pervert as they get! He owns these DVDs with-" Ludwig karate (lol shinigami chop! Soul eater!) chopped little Feli's head. Then the red one jumped in to defend his brother and soon enough everyone was yelling. Alfred pretty much figured that nothing would come out of hanging there.

Alfred turned around and knocked into someone, "oh my bad." Alfred caught eyes with the handsome man, "not a problem sweetheart. My my that dress looks smashing on you." Not only was he sexy as hell, but he had a British accent! He looked just like- Alfred hurried away not wanting to look too long at the Englishman. "How rude. She blew you off Arthur, must be an outsider," said Ludwig. "How interesting? This should keep me from my boredom?" Alfred stopped running once he could no longer see the large house, "Relax Alfred. There's no way that was him, just because they have practically the same face and eye brows doesn't mean that-" he stopped talking, not wanting to think about it. Then he noticed something, "SINCE WHEN WAS I IN A DRESS! NO WONDER THEY ALL THOUGHT I WAS A GIRL! so that drug changes clothing? ILL KILL IVAN!"

He saw he was at the clock tower? But from the distance in the window that couldn't be right? The walk was way to fast? He also noticed it was night now, but he could have sworn the sun was just out? Alfred went into the clock tower and while exploring found the room where Ivan first took him. Someone was gazing out the window? Though Alfred could barely see him. "Matthew someone is here," said a high pitched voice. The man turned around and he looked almost just like Alfred! Only his hair was longer and his eyes said he was a frail person. "Kumajima! Oh no there really is someone here!" his voice trembled with fear, but he mustered up some courage, "G-g-get out!" Matthew was shaking. "Eh hey dude chillax, I'm not gonna-" "I- I said get out!" his little one hair curl bounced up and wobbled from the man's shaking. "Alright alright jeez. Dude lighten up. I was just Kidnapped and put in a dress by some-" "T- that's irrelevant! Out! G-go home!" "I wish I could!" Alfred yelled back driving the frail Matthew into a corner to cower.

"Look I was taken to this place by some freak show communist rabbit man who gave me so strange ass medicine and now I'm in a dress and confused as hell! So quit yelling!" "m- medicine?" "Who are you again?" it was a bear that had the high pitched voice. "come on you just said my name kumakuma?" "I want snacks," and the bear left. Matthew started crying softly. "Uh did you say you knew something about that medicine?" Alfred said not really paying attention. "D-do you have the bottle?" "yeah I think, oh here you go," he said taking the bottle out of his skirt pocket. "Uh Matthew was it? You wouldn't happen to have a pair of pants or something I could borrow would ya?" "You drank this?" "yeah?" "Then no that's against the rules of the game. Welcome to wonderland outsider," he said cheerfully, "So this rabbit you mentioned, were you talking about Ivan?" "yeah!" "Congratulations! You've been successfully smuggled into the country of hearts and now to stay alive you must play the game and follow the rules!" "Woah what! I've been hearing about this game thing a lot! What the heck is it and what are the rules!" "You can't think about the game, you can't talk about the game, and you can't hear about the game." (get the reference?) "Fuck you." "Hahaha but seriously come with me to my room and I'll explain things, Kay?" "fine."

"oh by the way my name is Matthew Williams, and you are?" "Alfred Jones, the hero!" "Haha sure you are." "Was that sarcasm I heard?" "The game." "Grrrr..." they went two rooms down and sat at a tea table across from each other. "Yo yo got any snacks?" "You barge into my house, in the middle of the night-" "fine fine, just explain to me what's going on?" "Alfred, you are an outsider. Normally outsiders come of their own free will but you were forced. It's dangerous for you to walk around in ignorance. From what I've seen out my window you were with the hatter? Ludwig and the Mario Brothers, I mean the Italian twins are all quick to wield their weapons. I'm surprised you managed to go there and leave with your head in tact?" Alfred gulped remembering what had happened there, maybe he shouldn't have laughed? "wait a Minute? They were getting violent, but this British dude stopped them?" "Do you mean Arthur? That's odd for a mafia boss?" "HE'S THE HEAD OF THE MAFIA!" "Yes. His crime syndicate is known on the street as the hatters. As you know Arthur Kirkland is currently in charge." "Arthur? Then-" "What?" "Never mind, continue to explain Mattie." "please don't call me that? Point is, that group isn't right in the head. Try to avoid them if you can." Alfred Nodded. Arthur huh, didn't have to ask him twice.

"I'll explain the other territories," he went on, "Heart Castle is ruled by the Queen of Hearts... She... He... It... Don't ask. The theme park is managed by a man called Roderich Edelstein. Just don't call him Austria." "Why not?" "Just don't. It sparks his inner- you know what never mind. You are currently at the clock tower plaza, it's at the center of all the territories. It's neutral." "neutral?" "oh right, the territories all want to kill each other." "so wait, the mafia and the royal family are at war... WITH A THEME PARK? HAHAHAHA! THATS RICH!" "It's not funny, war is a very serious thing, quit making an ass of yourself!" "Why don't they just get together here and talk it out?" suggested Alfred, stupidity in his voice. "They can't, war is part of the game. I know it's stupid. I just wish I could end it, but i am the simple clock maker, no one cares what I have to say, and that stupid Ivan is always sitting on me." It was then Alfred realized why this man was so powerless and why his voice had no audio, but he didn't care enough to mention it. "So you hate that pervert rabbit to?" Alfred's eyes were sparkling, "so does this mean you'll help me get home? Just tell me how an I'll go by myself." "It doesn't work like that. You can't get home, not by yourself. And I can't take you, it confusing but it's part of the game." "Gah this is so-" Alfred noticed out the window that the sun was out yet again, "What? But it was just night time?" "Relax, it's the way of this world. Time is pretty random here." A dream? The random thought echoed in his head. He caught himself accidentally saying it out loud. "Alfred if you want to believe this is a dream then go ahead. But you'll never get home like that. Normally you could go home whenever you wished it, but thanks to that medicine you drank, you must play to get home. And what fun is a game with one player? The point is to play to get home, that is why leaving on your own is impossible. Take a look at the bottle." "Oh! It was empty before but now there's a little watery stuff in there?" "the more you meet and interact with people the more it will fill up. Once it's full you can go home." "So it's like EXP! This will be easy I'm great at video games!" "Sigh, good luck then?"

TonoTime  
>Hahaha! So I was thinking of leaving it at this? If you like it leave a comment and I'll continue! BTW just wanted you to know that Ivan was originally going to be nightmare but being the white rabbit fit better. If you haven't read or watched Alice in the country of hearts do so before reading this! XD mangafox I think still has it. If not bookstore power! I don't own hetalia or Alice in the country of hearts, but I'm sure you knew that lol! <p>


	2. Chapter 2

**Attention all! Normally I update you with these things at the end but today I've decided I will do one here as well! Sorry It took so long, I recently moved across the county and I just found my missing box of books (with Alice in it) so now I'll be able to update. XD I'll try to do this more often!**

_Chapter 2: Lost In Dreamland_

"IVAN IS THE PRIME MINISTER OF HEART CASTLE!"

Alfred screamed still in his blue dress. "He's a perv- and a rabbit!"

Matthew sighed when kumajiro came in, "It's the truth."

Alfred continued to stutter, "But- but- he's a communist!"

Matthew only sighed, "No… He isn't a communist… not anymore at least…"

"That Castle must be run by a group of crazies… At least now I know where he is."

"So are you going to go see him?" asked Matthew half interested, more focused on the random cup of maple syrup he was drinking.

"Yeah I was gonna ask why he dragged me here. It may be dangerous out there but as the hero of this dream I refuse to sit and do nothing, besides you're all out of hamburgers so I'll get some while I'm out and about!"

"Um Alfred, we don't have a McDonalds here-"

"Alright well see ya later Matty!" Alfred bellowed.

"Sigh… he didn't hear me… oh well back to work…"

"Who are you?"

"Really?"

XXX

"I've been on this road FOREVER and not a single Burger King, Wendy's, or McDonalds… and I'm not even that far from the clock tower, oh well, I should be on my way to the castle. A place that fancy has got to have some good old hormone enriched beef."

There was a rustling in the bushes, "Oh? Is it an animal? Maybe Tony came to get me!"

He leaned over to the bush and out sprung a man with white hair and red eyes! (Squee!) Alfred tripped on his own feet but was caught by the sexy sexy boom boom dynamite stranger. "Careful there miss, Did I scare ya?" "Miss… I'm not a girl…" "But yer in a dress?" "… Sigh."

"Hey do ya know where I might find the Clock Tower?"

"Yeah, I just came from there. It's that way." Alfred pointed to the huge tower only dora the explorer could seem to miss… really it was that obvious.

"Awesome! I'm close!"

"Say, are you going to see Matty?"

"And you know Birdie! Him and me are buddies!"

"Stuff went down so I'm crashing there for a bit."

"Ya? You guys Friends? What's yer name Miss?"

"Again with the miss… I'm Alfred."

"Nice to meet cha, I'm Gilbert. The awesome knight of heart castle! But I go by many names too. The Awesome One, The Sexiest of the Trio, and 5 Meters Of Awesome!"

"I won't ask about the nicknames… So I can just call you Gilbert?"

"That works."

"And you're from Heart Castle, I'm heading there now. Would I be able to talk with Ivan?"

"Ivan! You mean he has friends!"

"No, no he does not."

"Well yeah he's normally at the castle, but if you go alone the guards might not let you in. So I guess the awesome me can guide you in there."

"Okay! Cool!"

XXX

_I swear the castle is getting farther away… so is my big mac…_

"Uh Gilbert? I thought the castle was the other way?"

"Nah it's this way!"

_Maybe there's a shortcut or a decent place to snack? Oh wait!_

Alfred lifted up his skirt and out poured shit tons of candy, "Sweet!"

Eating his way into several cavities he failed to notice just where they were going.

"Carp cakes! This is the hatter's mansion!"

"Oh yeah? But we're still good. Gilbird says there's a path to the castle past here."

"… Well I guess it's alright if no one sees us…. Man I haven't been this nervous since I sprinted across Vash's lawn on a dare!"

"Oh you've got to be kidding me! Gilbert what in the name of the holy feurer are you doing here!"

(Yup, It's Ludwig everyone! Yummy! Haha I must have a German Fetish or something) "Oh great and you've got the fake pasta delivery girl with you." "Woah you're a pasta delivery girl! Awesome!" Yelled Gilbert. "I'm not a pasta delivey person or a girl… I'm Alfred F. Jones the outsider… woah that sounds cool," of course that last part was under his breath.

"Woah an outsider! I've never seen one before!" "Miss Alfred, Arthur told me not to shoot you so I won't… damn chain of command, but if Gilbert is here to face the hatter then-"

"Face the hatter? Naw, I was just on my way to the castle little bro."

"Don't call me that! And You're lost again! I swear you're as bad as Roderich! There's nothing past the mansion! How many times do I have to tell you that!"

"But Gilbird said-"  
>"Gilbird is a bid brain!"<p>

Something snapped and a dark aura shined in Gilbert's eyes, "hmm? What was that West?"

Ludwig pulled out his gun, "I'll keep you from getting lost again broder! Don't move!"

Gilbert smiled a sinister smile (that would make the fan girls squee), "Careful West, you might hit the outsider… Miss Alfred… this will only be a minute…"

"But-"

Gilbert gently pushed Alfred to the shade of the trees. The gun was suddenly at Gilbert's chest, about an inch away, "Dodge this Broder!"

He pulled the trigger, but with lightning fast reflexes, Gilbert ducked and pulled out his sword and used the hilt to knock the gun out of Ludwig's hand. Then he held the blade to Ludwig's neck, "Now lets not forget who the big brother is… neh West?"

"You suck."

"Take back what you said about mein Gilbird."

Ludwig did 3 back flips at one and retrieved his gun, "How annoying." He shot again at Gilbert, but it was blocked with the bade.

Alfred stared, "Dude this would be an sick video game! Things are getting cazy awesome for reals! I hope nobody stops them! No I hope someone gets me popcorn!"

"Well well, making trouble for the young lady again are we?" said a British accent!

"A- Arthur! It was Gilbert who-"

"I apologize sir Knight, please forgive my subordinate for his rudeness," smiled Arthur.

Gilbert seemed to flash back into his old self, "No worries! The awesome me doesn't hold grudges! Plus he couldn't hit me if he tried so it's all good!"

"Yes… well in any case you can't wander around here Sir Knight, so Elliot will guide you to the castle. Now… Miss Outsider, it seems I keep putting you in these situations, I promise you it won't happen again (and If you're like me and have read all the books you're laughing and thing BULL CRAP!) Please believe me." He extended his hand to the American in a dress.

"yeah whatever," said Alfred, "just stop calling me miss, I'm a dude."

"Not anymore."

"Excuse me?"

"There is a genderbender spell that falls upon all outsiders. It's part of the game…Miss Alfred."

"SON OF A CHICKEN SHIT!"

Ludwig managed to slide into the conversation, "Alright so the castle is in the opposite direction of the way you were walking."

"For reals?" asked Gilbert walking into the bushes.

"Don't get lost while I'm talking to you!" Ludwig ran over and dragged Gilbert by the collar down a path.

Arthur slid his gaze from the German brothers to the little outsider, "I dare say I felt your gaze on me, what's going on up there? You're little heart hasn't fallen for me has it?"

"Naw, you just look like some dude I know."

"I see, I wasn't sure if you didn't like me. But after that little glance… do I remind you of a past love?"

Arthur held Alfred's face, but he smacked the hand away, "No way, the only love I'll ever have is that of large fries and a shake!"

Arthur started to laugh uncontrollably, "I- I don'y know what to say to that! Hahahahahaha! Oh you're so funny! So I guess I do remind you of a lover," he finally was calming down, "what a git. Were it me I would never let go of a woman with such passionate eyes."

He took Alfred's hand and kissed it. Alfred only pulled away, "You forget I'm not a woman."

Gilbert cut in, "Haha I think Artie here is trying to seduce ya!"

Arthur was pissed off again, "Why! I told you not to call me that!"

Alfred laughed, "Dude! Artie! That's awesome! I totes gonna call you that!"

Ludwig grabbed Gilbert's collar, "Gilbert, Arthur's taste in women is completely different! Don't be such a dumpkoff!"

Gilbert ignored his younger brother, "too bad eye brows, Alfred is looking for Ivan."

Ludwig let go of his shorter, albino, older brother, "Alfred why would you go looking for that guy? He's worse than all of us!"

"Relax, I'm only gonna kick his ass, I'm the hero after all and I refuse to be taken advantage of!"

"Alright, well should something happen… that knight should be able to protect you," said Arthur.

"So your name is Alfred right? Well **you **can come over later and we'll give **you **a proper welcome," said Ludwig.

XXX

The castle was quite large up close and very elegant. The marble floors were polished so perfectly so could see a brilliant reflection. The carpets looked no only than a day. The windows were so clear it was if there were none there, everything was orderly. Alfred could even smell the most wonderful cooking coming from somewhere in the palace.

Two maids stood to greet Gilbert, both platinum blonds, on with long hair and one with short. The short haired one had… was… boobs. And the other one had a glare on her face… she seemed creepy. "Welcome back Master Gilbert," they greeted in Russian accents, "and welcome guest."

Gilbert guided Alfred down the halls of the palace, "Ivan is usually with the queen, so we'll seek audience."

XXX

Alfred caught sight of Ivan upon a balcony with a woman in a red gown and blond hair, other features couldn't be made out, "There you are Ivan!"

He flipped down and glomped Alfred, "Wow you came so quickly! This is proof you want to become one! DA!"

"Are you out of your communist bastard mind! No way! I just-"

"You over there… in the dress… might you be an outsider?" said a male French accent. Alfred looked upon the _queen_ and noticed… her… him to be more masculine.

"Oh shit…"

"I am the queen of hearts, also known as Francis Bonnefoy. It pleases me to meet another man who shares my adoration for womens clothing."


	3. Chapter 3

**CHAPTER 3: The French Queen Is The Naughty Type**

_How did I get here? I was following Gilbert… I mean I know how I physically got here. But…_

He looked around, still in his little dress. He was in a rose garden and the skies were orange and pink. There was tea set out on a table, along with sugar, cream, and a few little cakes. Alfred popped a sugar cube in his mouth (like you haven't done it) and listened to the crunching sounds as he looked across at his current partner.

_How did I end up having tea with a French freak show?_

Said freak show held the tea cup delicately in his hand, "Sunsets are quite pleasant. After all it is the time just before the night, which of course is our favorite time."

Alfred looked at the bearded man in a dress with only a flimsy garden table separating them.

_Did he really just say what I think he said? There's no way he would imply something like that after just meeting me less than an hour ago!?_

"Alfred? Do you not like your tea? You haven't even _touched _it yet?"

Alfred shivered, then groaned, then pushed the cup away, "I don't… really care for tea…"

"Or? Maybe something with a little more substance? Cake perhaps?"

"Sure…" This guy sure was creepy, but Alfred would be a fool to turn down free cake.

He opened his mouth wide and stuffed the whole thing in his mouth, leaving a little bit of cream on his nose.

"That's a good look for you."

_OH SHIT I'M GONNA GET RAPED!?_

Just then Knight of Hearts Gilbert walked in and whispered, "Yo Alfred, I'm going back to see Matthew."

"What!? Don't leave me here alone with him!?" He whisper screamed back.

A gun shot went off just barely missing Gilbert's head. It was none other than prime Minister Ivan The White Rabbit.

"Back off Gil! You're too close to my Alfred! I won't hesitate to shoot you again!"

Gilbert laughed, "You're so scary." His face changed to one not unlike francis': Drenched in sexual desire, "See you again Alfred."

"WOAH WAIT A MINUTE WHAT'S WITH THAT FACE!?"

Francis sipped his tea, "Quiet Ivan, or you'll lose your head."

"Already lost it," mumbled Alfred now alone with two weirdos.

_Looks like I can't beat the shit out of Ivan here. Damn, that's the only reason I bothered coming I have to figure out how to make my escape back to the clock tower._

"Still I understand why you might love Alfred so, even we are slowly growing fond of him and his frilly hair bow."

"No! There is no reason anyone should love Alfred unless they are me!"

"It cannot be helped, Alfred is an outsider. It is said that those who come here from another world will be loved. Still if you're so keen on it, then you can have her mind and I'll just take her body."

Alfred made an X with his arms, "No."

Francis changed the topic, "So Alfred, where are you staying? If you have nowhere then by all means come stay with us here at the castle."

"Actually I'm staying with-" _No way am I telling them!? _"I've got a place."

Ivan was about to yell about how Alfred should stay with them but the sky went suddenly dark.

"It's night time."

Francis started undressing Alfred with his eyes, "Our favorite time."

Alfred scooted his chair away a few inches when Francis stood up, "Tea time is over."

Alfred shot up to his feet, getting a little dizzy, "I have to leave."

_Am I really getting sleepy? But this is a dream?_

"Alfred you look tired, why don't you spend the night?"

"No really, I'm fine."

"Ivan take him to the guest room."

"Well… If I'm not sharing then I should be alright?"

"THIS WAY ALFRE DEAR!"

Ivan hopped away and Alfred followed.

XXX

Alfred wobbled a little in the dimly lit hall. Ivan gently took his arm, "Careful, you'll trip."

Alfred smacked his hand away, "Don't touch me!" (Don't be such a bitch about it)

Ivan showed him a door, "Please use this room, I'd take you to mine but my sister-"

"That's gross."

"No, I want you to like me? Why would I pull a queen on you?"

_Even though you kissed me passionately only after just meeting me?_

"Oh Alfred, I'd like to fall again with you."

"I could kick you and beat you into the ground?"

"Maybe not so much… still if it is you then it might be alright?"

Alfred opened the door, "I would never like someone like you. Good night."

Ivan also turned away, but stopped looking back, "I know. The more you try to win the harder it will be for me. Even… Even if you love someone else… as long as you stay… that would be enough. I'd let it go if you would agree to stay. Hmm I'll let that go for now. Sweet dreams my darling."

Alfred flopped onto the bed not even bothering to remove his shoes.

_How did I get here? Ivan guided me to this room… I mean I know how I got here physically but… How did I get here? How did I come to a state of mind where I would dream up a world where everyone loves me? And what does he mean by stay? This is all a dream? I could never stay, even if I wanted to… and I don't. Whatever, I'm too tired to think._

XXX

Alfred, still in his dress, was standing on a barren land scape. I wish it was New York and the streets were paved with ice cream.

"What? A dream inside a dream? INCEPTION!?"

Alfred heard a distant laugh, "Who goes there!?"

A man with short black hair and an eye patch floated down from nowhere, "I am Kiku, an incubus who creates nightmares."

"What's an incubus?"

"An imaginary demon or evil spirit supposed to descend upon sleeping persons, especially one fabled to have sexual intercourse with women during their sleep… or a nightmare. But enough guff, why are you in a dress?"

"You tell me."

"it's nothing, after all this is all just another wildly vivid and extremely angsty teenage girl's dream."

"I'm not a girl!?"

"I know."

Alfred let out a sigh, "What a world I've created."

Kiku, who as he got closer, was shorter than Alfred stated matter of factly, "In this world almost no one will fall head over heels for you at first sight. The more time they spend with you, the more they'll like you. Just like where you come from, only it's guaranteed they'll end up loving you. Even I love you. No one else but you, only you."

"Sheesh this is getting weirder by the minute."

"Alfred?"

"Yeah?"

"What do you think is beyond a dream?"

"Nothing? You just wake up right?"

"Very good. When you wake up there is only reality."

"No New York paved with ice cream…"

"What?"

"Never mind."

"Time to wake up now Al."

A bright white light began to shine until it blinded Alfred. When he opened his eyes again he was in the guest room at heart castle.

XXX

"Please wait Alfred! You do not need to be in a hurry! Please! Rest inside the castle! Just a little more! Please!?"

"I've stayed out long enough! Matthew must be worried!"

"You're staying with the clock maker? Well at least I know where to go to find you."

"Wait! Shit! No!"

"Just leave that ghost man alone! No wait!? Don't tell me!? You're cheating on me!? An affair behind my ears!?"

Alfred slugged his fist into Ivan's face, "I don't remember ever dating you ya commie prick!"

A faceless soldier appeared behind them, "Lord Ivan, the queen requests you. You're late."

Ivan turned away from Alfred and pulled out his pocket watch, "Late for an important date?" The watch turned into a faucet to Alfred's amazement. Ivan raised it above himself and brought it harshly down onto the soldier's skull. Alfred was wide eyed. Ivan raised the faucet again.

"Ivan he's already dead! Stop it!"

Ivan didn't listen; he continuously brought it down again and again beating the faceless man senselessly.

"I do not care about what the foolish queen requests. I am with Alfred, I must convince her to return to our love nest."

"Love nest? That's just gross."

Ivan raised his pipe again only Alfred shoved him and stood in front of the soldier, "I never did like Russians."

"Out of the way, you could get hurt."

"Who cares if I get hurt! Aren't their lives more important?"

"Their lives? But they're faceless?"

"I am an American! Ever heard We The People!?"

Ivan lowered his weapon, which turned back into a watch, "If that is what you wish you may have it my girl, but you should know death is not important in this world."

"Stop rhyming, it's weird."

"Very well, I'm off to the queen. Be careful Alfred, there is no replacement for you."

Ivan left and the faint voice of the soldier was heard, "Um Thank you miss."

Alfred groaned, "Whatever, I just did what any normal person would do."

The faceless picked up the other man and began to drag him away, "If you'll excuse me, I must remove him before the after images arrive."

"After Images?"

The man was gone and Alfred entered the forests.

_This is weird, I guess all those video games influenced my imagination. That watch trick sure was cool though? I wonder…_

Alfred removed the bow on his head and held it out, "ATTACK MODE!"

Nothing happened, "I was totally gipped."

He dropped the bow but it reappeared on his head, "Stupid game."

_This place is really bugging me. I mean it's my dream!? Why aren't I allowed to kill stuff senseless!? I'm American for God sake! Life is meaningless here. Although… my inner dream world isn't too weird… what's really bugging me is… WHY DO I HAVE TO WEAR THIS DRESS!? WHAT DOES THIS EVEN MEAN!? FREUD MUST BE LAUGHING HIS ASS OFF SOMEWHERE!?_

Walking along still he heard the little Italian voices of the Mario Brothers- I mean Vargas Twins.

"So then I said- well actually I didn't say anything! I just got drunk, then naked, then danced my way into the kitchen!"

"Idiota! It's a wonder we're even related… oh!"

The red one, Lovino, noticed Alfred across the glen, "It's the pasta delivery girl."

"I'M NOT A GIRL DAMNIT!"

"Hey now that I get a good look at her she sure is cute!"

"I'M NOT CUTE! I'M A KILLING MACHINE WITH MY… frilly apron…"

While the twins fought to glomp Lady Alfred, heh heh, a voice, a voice drenched in the most faggotty of purple outfits and feathers… and cat ears… and tail… was… another blonde guy. He gracefully raised his right hand and flipped his shoulder length super shiny "Olay" cleansed perfect hair. He sparkled.

He twirled part of his feathered boa in his left and asked, "Like guys! Who is this cutie and where did she get like such a fabulous dress! The only other guy in this world who knows fashion as well as like me is Francy Pants. I'll guess that you're an outsider since I'm not familiar with someone so darling."

_He's… He's… So gay. He might be the ultra-gay. Everything about him just screams homo supporting cast. It's official, all blondes are freaks. Wait I'm a blonde. I take back my original statement._

"So I go by Felix, but they all like call me The Honey Badger," He examined his perfect cuticles.

"But… you're a cat? A big… fluffy… purple cat."

"Naw that's just my gunslinger name. It's totes out of the park and I don't give a shit."

"Uhh umm I'm Alfred, the outsider… damn that's even cooler said the second time!"

Felix started sniffing Alfred, who was now covered in wonderland citizens, "Guuuuurl you smell fierce! Mmm Hmm! Like butter fer sure honey bee."

"What?"

"Honey Bee I live over in the amusement park, you should totes come by sometime and like let me do you up. Haha! Inna-propro! Like in inappropriate! I totally like meant we should play with ponies, watch mean girls, and like all that do done shit. Mmm Hmm!"

_Crap another play date!? How will I get myself out of this one!?_

"Hey Felix, was it? I thought the mafia and the theme park hated each other? Is it really cool for all of you to hang?"

The little blue twin, Feliciano, chimed in, "Sure! We all hate each other! But that's just life."

The red one jumped in, "I'll be hanging this one."

Felix started rubbing his back on a tree (for no reason other than my amusement) and stated, "We all hate each other but we're still friends ya know? It's like," He posed pointing at the guy and sparkled, "It's like we're mean girls huzzah!"

He fell out of his pose, "By the way, could you have like seen the door mouse anywhere?"

"Door mouse?"

"Honey Bee it doesn't matter let's head over to the amusement park for some amusement!"

"Hey Pussy Bastard we invited her first! Suck my clams!"

"Hey Big Bother I didn't know you carried around clams?"

"Like inna-propro pasta bee."

"Shut the hell up! Feliciano don't be stupid! Why wouldn't I carry clams around?"

"Calloo Calleh! No work today!"

They all posed together, knocking over Alfred, standing on his lifeless body, "We're cabbages and kings!"

_I never thought I would be the rational one in a group…_

**Tono:**

**Sup y'all I'm just your average player and the name is radish Halla! Okay so I'm so effing late but I have no excuse for it! How about them apples! XD I wanna give a special thank you to Ghost Girl for commenting and making me feel special. I also wanna give a super thank you to the one and only Cheshire Stripes for giving me the idea of using Felix as my big fluffy flaming homosexual! Again I'm sorry this was late! You can expect another update soonish… assuming I get a sexy ass comment or two… or five. VIVA LA FRANCE!**


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